A Whiny Rant… Cuz it feels good to let it out

I haven’t posted in a while. I’m still following a mostly-liquid diet, but the past two weeks have been mostly flare-up free. That changed last night… I was working in the art building, singing cheerfully (and badly) to my iphone playlist, when nausea, bloating, and lightheadedness hit all at once. I literally fell to my knees and was too disoriented to realize what had happened for a few seconds. I spent a few minutes slow breathing and trying to hold down the contents of my stomach before regurgitating some of my banana-protein smoothie from four hours before. I half-crawled down the stairs to the snowy outdoors, where I sat for 15 minutes praying the spell would pass. The cold shock helped a bit with the nausea, but I felt queasy and stuffed all night. Stomach churning and reflux kept me up till 4am. At least I didn't hurl.

I felt better this morning and had a fairly productive first half of the day, but my stomach swelled up again in the late afternoon, and I’ve been battling nausea and reflux since. It’s so frustrating and lonely that nobody around me understands what I’m going through. This is partly my fault, because I don’t talk about my illness very much, but the handfuls of people whom I have shared my stories with usually forget about it or avoid the topic like the plague. Their reactions make me feel so uncomfortable and awkward. When people see me “off” or in pain, they don’t know how to react, and they turn away or change the subject. Nobody wants to hear that it’s not getting better and that there’s nothing they can do. I wish they could understand that all I really want is a little sympathy… a hug, or a “that sucks”. IT’S OK TO TALK ABOUT IT.

My mom is too stressed out with Christmas guests and party plans to talk, so I don’t have my usual long-distance support either.

I hate times like these.

 

I feel sick and fatigued, but I’m too symptomatic to sleep. My mind needs to shut off so time can soothe my digestive tract, but the stubborn derps are too busy shooting up gastric acids and leftover lunch to allow me to rest. I can’t concentrate on anything—even movies—and I’m constantly dissatisfied with the temperature—it’s always either too hot or cold. It will be another long, bad night.

 

That said, tomorrow will be better. I’ll wake up and sip at baby food, Boost, and smoothies. I’ll try to walk around a bit. Hopefully my stomach will get with the program and stay functional all day. My parents ask what I want for Christmas, and the only thing I truly want is my health. I don’t care how sappy or melodramatic that sounds. In less than a week it will have been a full year since my full-time onset of gastroparesis, and my greatest wish is that this unwelcome idiopathic visitor won’t stick around for another year. You’re not welcome here, gp and gerd.